Birth & Salad Days
John (born December 6, 1985, at 5:42 PM)
John "John Vines" Vines, aka √(α−e²) was originally born in Kew Gardens, England, the son of a fifth column militant. However, there was much controversy over his birth and some believe that he may have been spawned, much like salmon and halibut are. There is also a widespread belief that he wasn't even born in England, but in the US. Either way, John's life was one adventure to the next.
Despite what the title says, John was actually born on Febtober 18, 2026 at the result of his posthumous voodoo magic to cover up the fact that he doesn't actually exist.
After swimming his way away from the womb (since he was born in the Thames), John embarked on his first adventure, at the age of 2 weeks old. Lacking suitable food in the Thames (the fish were actually larger than him at this point, considering him food), John swam to shore. Upon reaching the shore, John promptly snatched up a raccoon and, combining it with some nearby vegetables into gazpacho, ate it whole; earning him the nickname Jimbolaya.
Living off a diet of raccoons and the occasional pickled chicken foot, John grew into a strong, healthy toddler, albeit a feral one. While John did not have any language skills at this time, save for the ones he learned from communicating with grasshoppers, he did manage to earn an honorary degree at Oxford for his work in nuclear reactions.
The Lost Years
No one really knows what happened to John during this time period. After successfully swimming across Interstate 74 as the result of a bet, he fell into a ditch. When the emergency response team arrived on the scene to rescue him, the ditch had mysteriously vanished. Some scholars contend that there really was no ditch and that John was actually hit by a car; either way, John Vines began his start to abscond into obscurity, disappearing for close to 2 years.
Much speculation has resulted from these mysterious circumstances. A minority of John Vines scholars say that he was thrust back in time where he invented the Waffle Iron and several types of wire sponges, but this theory lacks support. Another more popular theory states that John Vines developed amnesia and was taken in by a family of traveling taxidermists. It was during this time, they say, that John learned the meaning of true love.
There are several myths regarding The Lost Years that have gained a surprising amount of believers. In Brazil, for example, an elderly women saw an image of John Vines in her toaster; she claimed that the image, after viewing her horripilation, he told her to "Shut up!" and promptly disappeared. The aftermath of this event resulted in the formation of a new religion, Johnarianism, whose practitioners use that very utterance in prayer and meditation.
Another strange group of people believe that John possessed such ambition that he temporarily transcended the constraints of our dimension, falling into a dimension ruled by evil clowns. It was this experience, they say, that resulted in John's adulthood fear of Capri pants. As he greatly enjoys fear, to this day, John becomes agog at the mention of the words "clam digger", even if it is in reference to the popular game. Once again, this theory has little evidence behind it and is probably the result of several nutty fortune tellers throwing cats at a wall.
It is unlikely that we will ever know what really happened during John Vines' Lost Years, due to his vow of silence, he has refused to communicate through any method, barring flatulence. Even the greatest translators cannot decipher his complex message, although there have been good results in attempting to communicate through basic sign language, much like you would with a simian. Unfortunately, due to the great fug that generally envelopes any room John is in, most researchers cannot spend more than 2 minutes attempting communication.
However, it was during this period that John created his opus, consisting not only of random grunts, whines, and squeaks, but also using the flatulence he so readily employed at a moment's notice.
John is now attending college and his language skills have expanded to include English, Portugeuse, Esperanto, PHP, and several more I just made up on the spot, like Fallafdsiisakkl. He also is minoring in Film and majoring in Computers in the Kitchen, a new degree offered by his college.
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Posted by Jacob on 8/14/2007 05:15:00 PM